Life Without Mother

Dear Mom,

Ten years has passed. And here we are, still breathing, still living. I paused a moment this last week to consider one of perhaps your toughest “ten years” — that is, when the ten years had passed since you last held Annette. I was then seven at the time — July 2005. I believe we’d just moved to El Paso that year. What a change — I don’t remember much else beyond the general memories of those two years there. Then just ten years later from that day and you were preparing for Home without even realizing.

Anyway, just as I suspected, I’m fine today. Good, even, though perhaps a little sleepy. Dare I note a pattern? Apprehension the week before, followed by the simple passing of the day into the rest of the year. But, I think I will ask off work for two days next year.

This year I worked yesterday morning (as I requested) followed by the brief drive to Arkansas to spend the night at Mary Faith’s with her little family. (Okay, really it was to get all the baby snuggles!)

This was the first time being with family for my actual birthday since my eighteenth. I can’t remember if I’ve mentioned before — we never really celebrated my eighteenth. But, this year it was sweet to be with Mary Faith and just relax. Nothing big planned, just the joy of a baby’s smile and my baby sister’s stories.

Then this morning I went to a coffee shop called Micah 6:8 — fitting, right? For lunch I’m eating at Canes, to which you re-introduced me. Tonight I’ll be at church with my ladies for prayer. I can’t imagine a better anniversary of your life than living mine.

I think one of my greatest encouragements yesterday was my dear friend since my freshman year of college calling to wish me a “Happy Birthday.” She also shared her joy in how far I’ve come the last ten years. She was one of those sweet friends who made my nineteenth birthday memorable. She woke up at the crack of dawn to wake me up and take me to breakfast SUPER early because she was the one with class early that morning. But, to this day — as she and I reminisced — I still have the gifts she gave me that year and we both remember all the moments surrounding.¹ She’s been a part of each one of my birthdays — whether in person or over a quick birthday call — since that first one without you.

God is so kind to me, Mom. And that’s all I have to say. Ten years without you — but twenty-eight of God’s sovereign hand on my life and holding my heart close to His.

I love to look back, and I’m doing better — with the help of wonderful family and friends — at looking forward. To the next ten years of God’s kind faithfulness in my life.

Your daughter,
Hannah

1. See “My Birthday!” from April 28th, 2017 ↩︎

(P.S. One of these days I may learn the art of the selfie…)