Life Without Mother

Dear Friend,

Perhaps an odd thought for one’s birthday, but if I could have one phrase written on my tombstone, it would be: “Great is the Lord’s faithfulness.” I was reading some old posts on this blog over the past couple of days (which I don’t often do) and I was struck by my post on April 26th, 2020. How God has been faithful to me through the storm, and now it seems this storm is breaking.[Friend, if you missed that one, please pause in your reading and go read that one first — it’s called “Why So Silent?” — as this one is largely in response to where I was then, just five years ago.]

Of course, I write this praise and celebration in expectation of future storms — as Jesus promised that there will be trouble in this world!¹ — but how grateful I am for the sun breaking through the clouds on this, my twenty-seventh, year! As I wrote in my journal just today, “my age doesn’t feel as significant anymore — simply to have another day to remember and live and celebrate all that He’s done and is doing. Another day with Him.”

Since moving back to Texas I’ve had much rest. And time to reflect and develop goals and start from the ground up in settling into a new home. New job, new church, new community, new rhythms, new disciplines. And about two to three weeks ago I had that realization that it’s April.

Maybe a few days later I took stock of my general sense of being. And, friend! Great is His faithfulness and kindness to me! Because that cloud has lifted! That cloud I once had to “look forward” to dissipating now covers my soul no longer!

I look back to April of 2020 and my very clouded depression that pressed in all around me, filling my heart and soul with a heaviness I couldn’t shake — even when truly wonderful and genuinely happy moments provided glimpses of sunlight through the storm. My friend, if you’ve been with me through the years, you’ve likely been both (I hope) encouraged and (most likely) exasperated with my ramblings of grief and life and doubt and faith.

But, one thing I hope can be said of my testimony is that God has been and ever will be my anchor through whatever storms He allows in my life. He is sovereign over the wind and the waves.² 

I am here to testify that my LORD is good. He is faithful. And, oh, so kind, my friend! He has “always protected, always trusted, always hoped, always persevered” in His pursuit of my heart and calling on my life. He loves me as no one has or ever will. And just one more day to love Him and tell the world of His love is more than enough!

Oh, my dear friend, what kindness He has shown even in allowing my prayer to be answered in full view of anyone who might care to look:

“I did almost not post [this confession of sorrow and depression]. But, I can post it because God is good. He IS faithful and loving and true. Even when I’m not. And I so look forward to the wonderful moments when I can say I’m truly happy because He allowed me to know the pit so that I could know what it feels like to be held in the shelter of His wings.“

April 26th, 2020 (Five years ago)

Today, I am happy. The joy of my salvation in Christ that has sustained me — how it spills forth the lightness of my very soul! As though the weight of this heavy storm cloud has lifted, the darkness has given way to light, and it is the time for laughter!³

As perhaps evident from the direction of that post from April 2020, I was becoming discouraged of ever experiencing freedom from that oppressive cloud of grief over my life this side of Heaven. (For we know that in His Kingdom He will wipe away every tear!⁴) Then, as of the last two years, I was learning how to live with it, perhaps as that “thorn” that would not leave. ⁵

But God, in His gracious kindness, has allowed me a reprieve from this storm. One that, as I prayed just five years ago, has even more so demonstrated His faithfulness through that stormy valley of the shadow of death.⁶

Friend, if you are in the midst of the storm, please be encouraged, for “even the wind and the waves obey Him.”⁷ We know that the storms of this life are just that — of this life. And for the purpose of our sanctification — that we may “boast in the hope of the glory of God” and “glory in our sufferings” as those sufferings build our character and that very hope in which we boast.⁸

Thus, I boast of the hope of glory in which Christ strengthened me during my weakness of depression and anxiety and grief. Such sweet comfort and faith in Him that I only know by the intensity of this dark storm — the deluge of doubt and depression that far more often than I’d prefer to admit threatened my life. But, God held me close. He carried me through the valley. And He holds me even still.

I pray for the next twenty-seven years, that simply another day with Him would be more than enough to boast of His faithfulness and boast in my weakness of His strength and kindness. How amazing the grace of my LORD!

Looking forward to that Everlasting Day,
Hannah

1. John 14 ↩︎
2. You know, it’s funny — I’ve always had this memory of my mother teaching that verse (“Even the wind and the waves obey Him” Matthew 8:27) to a room full of preschoolers and because of that memory, I’ve never forgotten the verse. That beautiful truth and reminder of my LORD’s sovereignty over all of creation!
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3. Ecclesiastes 3:4, Job 8:20-21, Psalm 126, Psalm 16, ↩︎
4. Revelation 21, Luke 6:20-22, Matthew 5:3-12 ↩︎
5. 2 Corinthians 12:1-10 ↩︎
6. Psalm 24 ↩︎
7. Matthew 8:27 ↩︎
8. Romans 5:1-5 ↩︎