Life Without Mother

Dear Friend,

I’ve got a few longer-winded letters headed your way, but wanted to send this brief(er) note of reflection. It’s April. Once again, as so happens every year.

The last few years — eight to be exact — I’ve reflected and remembered (and often cried over the existence of the month called “April”) in my grief.

Today, I reflect, I remember, and it’s just another day. The often debilitating grief of past Aprils doesn’t press on my heart and mind. Even intentionally dredging up all the mems of Mom and those last days (and subsequent days of funeral preparation and burial) — there’s no ache. Now, I’ll describe a little more in my next letter, but I wanted to simply note the change. To note what God has done through time, relationships, the basic maturity that comes with continuing to live and walk in His Spirit as He (quite literally) changes me from the inside out:

Time. It’s been almost nine years now since I last saw Mom face-to-face. And while for some that’s too much time — and for others it’s not enough for the hurt to fade — by God’s grace, nine years was His plan for my heart.

Relationships. Two categories here: family and friendships. Over the last year or two I’ve had pivotal conversations with family members over the literal events and perceived interactions of that first year and a half after Mom’s death. These conversations have done two things: a) brought us closer through compassion for one another, and b) helped me to get out of my head with external confirmation that I wasn’t “crazy” to have even just perceived what I did of that time. (More on that in a future letter, I’m sure.)

Simultaneously, I’ve had the privilege and joy of developing deep friendships of comfort and accountability with brothers and sisters in Christ who have lived out that label of “family” while I was so far away from family. They’ve walked the path and loved me through it. Every step. Crying and celebrations, remembering and creating new memories. (And I could write a whole book on this one…)

Maturity. If you’ve read my letters through the years, I hope you’ve seen the constant thread of faith (albeit sometimes so weak it nearly broke) in God. The hope I have in Christ and His salvation of my soul both now and unto Heaven is the anchor of my journey through grief — truly, my very life itself! Now, according to His promises to those who put their hope and faith in Him (as I’ve shared before), “it is God who works in me to will and to act in order to fulfill His good purpose” and “that He who began a good work in me will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”¹

By God’s work and grace in my life, He has continuously been renewing my joy, my hope, my peace, my life in Him and His purposes. It does not diminish the gravity of death or the depth of grief over its even temporal reality — yet, it magnifies the hope of life eternal with our LORD, the Alpha and Omega!

Anyways, that’s all. Just a snippet of the work God’s done over the past nine years.

In the Hope of Life,
Hannah

1. Philippians 2:12-13, 1:6 ↩︎