Life Without Mother

Dear Reader,

(Yes, you read that correctly: I’m addressing this letter to YOU. This is too important to allow any sort of “form” mask the vulnerability here. Because, true to every letter I’ve written, my desire for open honesty in this journey of grief remains one of the most vital motivators of my writing. )

I’ve been in denial. But not the one you think in regards to grief. There’s no denying my mother’s absence in death. No, I have denied my fear. A fear that I’ve hidden behind the facade of trust in God, having “a loose hold on this world”, and a deep longing for Heaven. Perhaps some of my dearest friends and family have seen this and been (oh so patiently) waiting for me to realize it for myself. (Forgive me for taking so long!) The fear of a future.

Of course, let me be clear: Scripture emphatically says we are to “not love the world or the things of the world;”¹ rather, we are to “set our minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth.”² And, I do trust God with my life. Honestly, three weeks ago, I would have said that I trust Him with my future, not realizing the lie I was living.

But, I have not trusted Him with my future. Oh yes, with my Future, I whole-heartedly trust Him. In regard to my Future of Heaven with Him, I am secure. But, as one of my favorite psalms says, “ALL the days ordained for me were written in His book.”³ The LORD knows every single day ordained for me. I don’t. So, yes, maybe I only have five days left on this earth. But, maybe I have fifty. Or maybe even eighty for that matter (at which point that glorified body would be all the more appreciated).

Now, I do believe some of my daily struggle with motivation (and the consequential procrastination) is certainly due to my natural inclination toward laziness. However, there is also a spiritual (as well as mental and emotional) component. One that has greatly affected my battle against sin in my life. Though I’ve clung for dear life to the ultimate “hope and future” of Heaven as applied to “exiled” believers in this present age, I’ve failed to live out the preamble to this promise — that is, to “build houses and settle down; plant gardens and eat what they produce.”⁴ I have failed to live in the world as much as I’ve striven to not live of it. 

Sure, I graduated high school. Also managed to not only go to a college out of state, but acquire an English degree. Oh, and while doing so, I did experience many life-changing trips, encounter plenty of life-changing people (many of whom are now dear friends and family), accomplish many life-changing things. Then, of all things, moved to NYC — the city in which I could only ever dream about living, and yet here I’ve been for well over three years now. Many would consider my life successful. And I would wholeheartedly agree, as I give full credit to the gracious hand of the LORD on my life. For, in my weakness He is my strength, praise Him! And that is where my success lies. That by His grace, I see even more so how — apart from Him — I would not be here. As I told someone recently, I’m only in NYC because the LORD dragged this insecure, fear-filled girl here kicking and screaming (well, at least crying). And He’s kept me here in His kindness through provision: that third year, providing a roommate; this fourth year, providing housing and a solid, diverse community.

Yes, to many it would seem I have it all together, on my way up in this world. Getting better and better. Because it’s true, in part. The LORD has been faithfully healing my heart, mind, and soul — that process of sanctification — year-by-year, in spite of my lack of faithfulness. And this is one more area He’s exposed. One settled deep into my soul. To be honest, I’m afraid. (Ironic, isn’t it?) Afraid I’m stuck in the rut of fear. Afraid I won’t be able to not only take captive my thoughts, but take captive my time. To truly steward each day the LORD has ordained.

Because as great value the reality of Heaven is as the complete fulfillment of every one of His promises, the value of His promised sanctification here, now, as I do “set my mind on things that are above” is no less great. The LORD uses my days in this present age to refine me until His “completion at the day of Christ.”⁵ And, in the process, He encourages His people — those who see Him as their source and purpose⁶ — to “eat and drink and find satisfaction in their own toil.”⁷ He says, “There is a time for everything,” and that “there is nothing better for a person than to enjoy their work.”⁸ Wow, Ecclesiastes. What a book. I could spend hours meditating and writing on that book alone, as I’m sure many true scholars have already done. It points out — and I have found much comfort in my LORD’s own affirmation — that “everything is meaningless.” Most of the book expounds on just how everything is meaningless. BUT, it also qualifies the conclusion, introducing in chapter 3 the idea of enjoying life for the work you do and the ultimate gift that is, and repeating that charge of enjoyment throughout the thorough analysis of life in this present age.

To one extent, I see how the LORD has revealed this to me just this past year through my job as a barista at Starbucks. For those have yet to hear it from my lips, that job was the most fun job I have ever had. In spite of the (typical, I’m sure) stressors involved when working with a large team of part-time workers, that store in Midtown quickly became my second home. And I concluded quickly that I never wanted to work a job that I didn’t enjoy. Even now, in interim, as I’ve taken on some opportunities to babysit, I’ve found much joy and further growth in the process.

It took this first glimpse at what it means to truly enjoy my work — along with the past three weeks of “letting go” (as I shared in my last letter) — to see that “setting my mind on things that are above” is not mutually exclusive of enjoying my work here on earth, of eating and drinking and finding satisfaction in my work. Nor is it an excuse to therefore be idle in my mindset if not the work of my hands. No, it is the exhortation to see fully the reality of Heaven even now revealed in part here on earth!⁹

Now I am in this season of dreaming. Setting goals. Making plans. Cleaning out the old and settling down with the new. Building a home here and planting the seeds of gifts the LORD has given me. With the full and happy awareness that the LORD will change dreams and goals and plans, reveal the new to be old in time, tear down this home to build another, and grow the fruit of His gifts to me — all as He will. And, until He reveals such redirection and guidance, I will take captive this time He has graciously given me to steward toward His Kingdom here, now, as the LORD has brought through His Spirit in His people.

Much love to all of my brothers and sisters!
Hannah

Scripture References:

1. 1 John 2:15 ↩︎
2. Colossians 3:2 ↩︎
3. Psalm 139:16, emphasis added ↩︎
4. Jeremiah 29:4-14 ↩︎
5. Philippians 1:6 ↩︎
6. 1 Corinthians 8:6 ↩︎
7. Ecclesiastes 2:24-26 ↩︎
8. Ecclesiastes 3:1-22 ↩︎
9. 1 Corinthians 13:12 ↩︎