Life Without Mother

My typical choice between TV and movies is to watch a nice, beginning-middle-end film. It’s simpler. One two-hour movie as opposed to an hours-long series of short stories strung into a lengthy narrative. I have, however, been known to enjoy a good TV show, especially one watched with family or friends.

Now, as of late, I returned to a show from my last years in high school: Supergirl. I watched the first three seasons with my sister as they came out — each week we looked forward to the next installment and we had to agonizingly wait for each other to have a break in our crazy schedules in order to watch together. Then, as I went off to college followed by her two years later, and with both of us not having cable, we were not able to keep up our weekly appointment of observing superheroes conquer villains.

So, finally, three years later I decided to catch up on those missed seasons (first with a refresher by re-watching the first three). For those who might not be aware, Supergirl was actually the third of multiple DC Comic television series on CW. The first was Arrow, which was in its fourth season by the premiere of the girl in blue, and the second was The Flash, which aired at the start of Arrow‘s third season and was in its own second season with the start of Supergirl. While Arrow and The Flash take part in the same universe incorporating consistent references to one another, Supergirl is in her own universe. However, there are crossovers at various points across the shows where Supergirl helps out Green Arrow, Flash, and co. Thus, as I took my refresher view of the first season and a half of Supergirl, I thought to go back and watch these other DC Comics that I had previously ignored.

All of this is to say that I began the trek through the Green Arrow’s story a couple of months ago and, let me tell you, wow. There is a lot that happens and is said about society, humanity, and the like. And the storyline — phenomenal! (Do I approve of all viewpoints presented? No, of course not. But, the show as a work of art in storytelling should be acknowledged for its high quality work overall — there are definitely individual episodes and characters and some development that could be improved, but overall, wow.)

My point, forgive me for the rabbit trail, is actually the process of watching such a show. I go into this detail to describe this investment I have put in over the past few months to get to Arrow season five, The Flash season three, and DC’s Legends of Tomorrow and Supergirl seasons two. Countless characters, battles, stories, deaths. These are stories of superheroes. But, even these heroes cannot save everyone. This is particularly true in Arrow as almost every season has seen the death of someone with whom Green Arrow is close. (Don’t worry, I won’t give any spoilers.) The show also has a habit of bringing people back from the dead, whether through a faked or mistakenly assumed death, or a literal resurrection. So, the true deaths of those characters who actually stay dead elongate the heartbreak experience all the more. (Or maybe I’m the only one who gets upset over characters’ deaths… surely not.)

There was one death last season that really threw me. It was a character who had been there from the beginning as a pivotal character not only in the present timeline of the show, but in past events and motivations of other main characters. This character was (and even in death still is) woven into the fabric of this show. So, as it became more and more evident in the permanence of death in regard to the storyline, the hope of revival for this character slowly faded.

YET. There is a perk to all TV shows (and movies for that matter, though I think lengthened storylines position shows in a more emotionally impactful position):

I can see this character again. I must simply go back to season one and begin again. It’s almost like memories in real life, except it is the same medium as before. The only difference is that now I know what happens. I’ll even notice more about the character because I’m not concerned with what will happen, and I know these are the few episodes where I will get to see this character in action. There is more appreciation for their lines and attitude and actions and growth.

I can re-watch a television show to see a favorite character once again.

I can’t re-live my life to experience a relationship with a loved one who is no longer in this world.

I can only re-visit brief moments from a biased point of view.

There is no ability to better appreciate what was said, because I can’t remember what was said (at those moments in time, I didn’t realize I’d have to). Memories become a conglomerate fog of emotions and experiences. Looks and touches and sounds and smells that I can’t quite distinguish or remember. Did she smile or was she distracted in that conversation? Did she actually hug me that time? Did she really respond with those words? Does her jacket that I wear trully still hold her scent or has it become some combination of mine, my detergent, and hers?

It’s intriguing how similar watching a show can be to real life: I have no power change the storyline that was put in motion years ago just as I cannot control who lives or dies in this world, and even re-watching a show will not bring the same experience as watching it for the first time — just as memories cannot perfectly replicate the moments of which they remind. But, there are certainly perks that I wish I could replicate in real life. I wish I could rewind to a perfectly replicated sequence of events, even if nothing could be changed. At least I could better appreciate and make a better effort at saving and savoring every memory.

Time. It’s a weird construct. Everything we know is measured within and by it. It is something else that we as humans have named, but is a reality not fully understood because we are within the limits of it.

Thank God, He is outside of it! With Him there is no beginning or end! No more times bound by experiences or experiences bound by time!

I suppose I should pause before I follow down another rabbit trail — one with no end in sight — and go back to my show.