Life Without Mother

Dear Mom,

Life update: Became my church’s new worship/music intern; started junior year — (just barely) made it through the the last quarter and a half; went to see a counselor last quarter; have become best friends (a.k.a. sisters) with my roommate from Chicago; bought a 1960s Smith-Corona typewriter for $4.75 with said best friend — and it has cursive type!! — who also went with me to a Murder Mystery Date Party where I was a rich heiress who murdered her last five husbands; was given a beautiful 88-key weighted keyboard by Dad and Rhonda for Christmas (upon which I play for at least forty-five minutes a day, of course!); have re-established and begun discipleship with three wonderful sisters-in-Christ who are holding me accountable in my ardent pursuit of Christ; oh, and, to top it all off, the Lord has called me back to Chicago to be a worship leader for eight whole weeks this summer!

Whew! A lot going on, I know. God is moving in my life, showing me new things, teaching me more about friendship — honesty, grace and forgiveness in those relationships — and revealing everyday how much He loves me just because He wants to. And, honestly, I’m pretty sure most of that revelation and learning has occurred in the past three weeks. Because the first half of this, my junior, year has been a struggle. Oh, there were times (such as the week of and after Phi Lamb retreat during Fall Quarter) when Jesus certainly did a work in my heart, but then a few weeks would pass and there I was, back in the old habits of negligence, laziness, and sin. And grief. There was definitely some grief there, too. But that only hit as hard as it did because I was consumed by the shame of being stuck in that rut. Apathy ruled my days, guilt and shame induced tearful nights.

Praise God for “there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life [and lives within me because I believe in Jesus Christ as my Savior and Redeemer] has set [me] free from the law of sin and death!” (Romans 8:1-2) For I am “a new creation. The old has passed away; behold the new has come!” (2 Corinthians 5:17)

The beauty of grace and unconditional love is blinding, overwhelming, consuming. And you, mom, get to see the full glory of that Love. To feel it, to experience its complete presence, to know without fleshly doubt creeping in and marring its essence.

I pray for boldness and wisdom. Both now as I prepare for Chicago by being a witness of Christ here at Tech, and while I am serving the people of Chicago. The joy that fills my heart in looking forward to being back in Chicago is, well, for one thing, it’s not quite what I expected. Honestly, in thoughtful consideration, I thought I wanted to go to New York City — a place I’ve always loved and have wanted to experience at length. But it’s like when you can’t make a decision and so you flip a coin, but by the time it lands whether you’re disappointed or ecstatic at the result shows your heart’s decision. When Chicago was on the list of places I could go this summer, I knew immediately that was where God wanted me, and such joy and excitement flooded my heart and soul to be back in that city. I pray that God would embolden me far more than I was last year — for in full disclosure, true intentionality was lacking for much of the summer — for this Gospel of life should be the first response in every situation with any and every person I come into contact with.

It was a bit bitter-sweet calling Dad to share the news. Other past pieces of news in my life have been a little easier to simply share with Dad and not be able to tell you. But when I got off the phone with him, it hid hard this time that I couldn’t share this with you, Mom. This summer will be life-changing. I know it. I don’t know in what capacity exactly, but even as God is moving now in my life, He’s going to do some great things. Wish I could share it with you.

Much love from your daughter,
Hannah