Life Without Mother

Within the past month, I feel I have been having far more “missing Mom” moments than I had the previous six months. Why is this? Perhaps because I have had ample opportunity to simply sit and think, lie down and remember, without the stress of upcoming events or present concerns. Perhaps because so many new developments are taking me even further from high school Hannah who depended so heavily on her mother. Perhaps this is because I’ve grown in my faith in even deeper ways — ways that I desperately wish I could share with the mother whom I know prayed faithfully throughout her life for her children to love and know her Lord.
Before she died, I had the opportunity to begin developing a friendship with Mom as we were preparing for my exit to adulthood. But these were mere glimpses. Glimpses convincing me that, as I continued to gain years and experience, we would have been good friends, even as she remained my mother. Sure, we would have had our disagreements, but, man, I wish I could also experience passionate conversations about Jesus with her once again!
I just don’t understand. Why would God take someone who loves Him so fully and loved others with His love so deeply? Almost two and a half years later and I still don’t understand.
Yes, I see so many of the wonderful things that have come from this — and for those reasons, I would never wish away the story God has given me. But, that doesn’t mean I understand any better why it had to be this way in the first place. And it doesn’t take away the pain of missing someone who was literally there since the beginning (the beginning of me anyway).
Many new people I meet are often surprised when they find out about my story. Not that I keep it hidden, but I also don’t introduce myself like, “Hi, my name’s Hannah. My mom died two years ago.” (I mean, who wants to start an acquaintance like that? Debbie Downer much? Not this girl.) And yeah, I get it, I’m pretty joyful most of the time. It’s called believing in the Living Hope. I know Mom is with Jesus, someday I’ll be with Jesus, it’ll be a party, whoop whoop. So, I often exhibit outwardly the inward joy that never leaves.
However, there are times — like the past month — when several nights end in tears. Praise God, He hears my every cry! And He answers!
He says, “Where can you go from My Spirit? Where can you flee from My Presence? If you join Me in Heaven, My throne room, I am here. If you must make your bed in what may feel like hell for a time, remember that I am there also. If you say to Me, ‘Surely, You won’t see me through the darkness and the light will become night around me,’ — I tell you, that even the darkness is not dark to Me, and the night that you feel will shine like the day because I am there, for the darkness is as light to Me.”  (Psalm 139:7-12 paraphrased)
He has given me a new song. Very much pulled from Psalm 139, it is still a work-in-progress, but as soon as there is a good recording, I’ll post it.

Almost two and a half years into life without mother and each day is a new experience. Each day carries little reminders and memories. Each day I honestly never know how I’ll feel. So many unknowns — but that’s life, isn’t it? We never know what tomorrow holds. But I believe in the God who sees every tomorrow, the God who is never surprised, the God who is always in control. I think with that I’ll borrow my Mother’s old closing line to every letter, email, or note:

His 4ever!
Hannah