Life Without Mother

The year of firsts is over. And yet the “firsts” are not yet through. My first apartment, my first relationship, my first real job, my first kiss, my first book, my first baby, and plenty of other “firsts,” besides those of my sisters. There is this dark curtain over the future that wasn’t there when Mom was alive. It’s like where I could picture things before, now I don’t know what to expect. It’s like I was living in a fairy tale and now I’ve awoken to the real world of unknowns and darkness.

And yet I thank God for this wake-up call to reality. Because I know that beyond the dark curtain of my future draped before me is His light and victory. I just can’t fully see it yet—only the light seeping around the edges of this curtain. But the curtain in front of me is not just one curtain. It is many, draped one in front of the other. Each step takes me through one curtain to the next—always stepping one curtain closer to the final curtain that separates me from His glory!

However, I must admit that fear flares within as I look at this curtain in front of me. It is one especially opaque and heavy. Only His strength can part it for me to walk through, and I will need every ounce of the Spirit of power and love and sound mind that He promises to give to those who believe in Him (2 Timothy 1:7). With my humanity comes fear, but through His Spirit I have victory and power to overcome the fear of the unknown. Being a Christian does not mean that we have no fear, but that, as with everything else in our lives, we give that fear to the Lord and allow Him to fill us with His Holy Spirit. Anger, pain, fear—all human emotions. In and of themselves, as feelings, they are not evil. But if we allow these feelings to keep us from letting God work through us to bring glory to Himself (the purpose of everything in this world), then they become sinful. When we allow our reactions to these feelings, because of our imperfect humanity, to separate us from the love of Christ and the healing that giving these feelings to Him may bring, we lose sight of Him and the glory that we might have brought to His name if we had merely responded differently.

Sometimes the response is burning tears in private. Sometimes it is pen to paper in a journal. Sometimes it is a scream in the car. Sometimes it is the creation of music that rises and falls with lyrics expressing the aches of the heart. Sometimes it is running for miles going nowhere. Sometimes it is walking down an empty sidewalk at night and falling to your knees with tears dripping to the gray concrete because you simply can’t walk another step in this weary world of pain and sin.

But whatever the response, as long as your heart pours itself out to God and opens up to His love and healing. When we let go of that emotional wall that we think can hold together our insides and let everything flow out, He rushes to fill that void with His love and peace. And not only fill it, but cleanse us of that anger and pain and fear. He is so faithful and good and constant. There is no one on this earth upon whom we can put all of our trust and dependence—He is the only One who will never leave us or forsake us, who will be there when we travel through the valley of the shadow of death, or to the mountaintops of joy!

I honestly don’t know how anyone could go through this life, much less loss such as I have, without God. Where does that person find stability? Or the ability to have joy? Or even have an ounce of peace? True stability, joy, and peace can only be found in believing and trusting in Him and nowhere else!