Life Without Mother

Dear Mom,

Today was beyond better than anything I’d expected. I’m continually amazed by the great love of our God that He would see to all of the details of my life and demonstrate His love for me to the most minute detail (like a parking spot close to campus this morning).
From the moment I got up at 6:45 this morning until this moment as I write these words, joy has filled my heart from time spent with friends and my “family” here. My day was non-stop as I hung out with my best friends most of the day and then even had the opportunity to spend time closer to you as I worshiped God with friends as you worshiped Him with the angels. The amount of love shown towards me was the encouragement I needed to finish out this first year of adulthood. It makes my heart swell in joy to know that others don’t just see me, but see Christ through me. And my continuous prayer is for that kind of impact—that my words and actions are recognized only as vessels of Christ’s love for us. Of all presents, knowing that my prayer is being answered is the best gift of all.
I didn’t think today would be very bright, and yet I feel as though my brightest smiles shone through tonight. I thought that it couldn’t be much worse than last year, but not much better considering that a year ago today was the last whole day that you were alive in this world. My first day of adulthood and your last day in this temporary home. Yet all of my doom and gloom expectations were far surpassed thanks to friends who care about me enough to even wake up extra early in the morning just to take me to breakfast when, the Lord knows, none of us are morning people… and friends who will put on a spontaneous birthday party just to use a party-in-a-box sent to me to make the day that much more special… and of course, the best Friend I could ever have who gives joy to the brokenhearted and rest to the weary.
Mom, it did sting a bit when I had to open Dad’s birthday card with the blank space where your name would have been signed. But I do have the letter you wrote me at the beginning of my senior year in preparation for the coming college years stored safely between the covers of my Bible to stay with me always. I read it again today. I love that letter so much. It reflects your heart so well, it’s like having you here with me. The scriptures within every paragraph (if not every sentence) inspire me as I see how deeply embedded you were in the Truth. I pray that I follow your lead so that the words of wisdom that come from my mouth are not my own but the Spirit speaking through me. Nothing I say on my own, no matter how thoughtful or intelligent, can be counted as true wisdom. Only speaking God’s truth is the true measure of godly wisdom in this world of blurred and greyed lines.
I have grown so much in this past year. I look back on where I was and how at first I ran from my pain and grief throughout the summer. And then when college hit and I got plugged in to as many ministries as I could to be poured into as much as I could. The grief hit hard and all I could do was feel the pain and cling to the truth that God is good, no matter what. And building relationships that strengthened my faith and encouraged me to feel the pain, but also allow God to heal me. And then the chaotic mess of beginning to feel my joy returning and the healing begin. Now, though on the occasional night or two I still cry and give in to the pain in order to let it go, my perspective has changed. God has shown me how to look at every moment and everyday through His lens and see even the smallest of details that He works for His glory. And the really awesome part of that is that sometimes those details and “little” works He does is merely for my eyes, for me to see and believe, to experience His presence in my life. Our little moments when God reminds me, “Hannah, I’m still here and I love you and I have plans for your life that you can’t quite see yet. Just trust me.” I do, Lord!
I am so looking forward to the day when I may stand before Him, having lived according to His will for my life. I pray that He will look at me with eyes filled with love and say, “Well done, my good and faithful servant.”
May my life be a reflection of Him!

Your daughter,
Hannah