Life Without Mother

Dear Mom,

I know, I know, it’s been forever (well, three weeks, but close enough). Much has happened. Lots of ups and downs in this rollercoaster life. On the whole, I’d say there were a few more ups than downs lately. New friendships have been blooming beyond anything I’d ever imagined, practicing the guitar almost everyday (and by almost, I mean missing maybe three days since I got back to school) has brought healing with the new calluses on the tips of my fingers, not going home as often has allowed me to plant sturdier roots here with the new friendships. Oh, so many good, good things that I so wish I could tell you about on the phone!
Remember how I talked about feeling my joy coming back in my last letter? If you don’t it’s ok, I had to go back and look to remember myself since it’s been so long. Well anyway, it’s official. The joy is back! And I love it! I feel like I’m myself again! Sunshine, where have you been, girl? It’s good to be back. Of course, I do not say this meaning that all my previous happiness and displays of joys to others were faked—joy is too much a part of me to be faked—but I couldn’t feel that joy for myself, for my own heart. Now I can! And my praise to God is no longer laced in pain. Yes, there are days still that I’ve cried my three-four tears and cried out to God, yet when I praise on the daily, I’m not just convincing myself that God is good or hanging on anymore. I believe it! I feel it on the inside! Throughout my whole being, there is a solidarity that wasn’t there before, even if I never lost faith in what God was doing. It’s like He’s pulling these broken pieces back together.
Even though it has taken me about ten months to get here, I’m not ashamed of it. Nor do I think that my grief has in any way lessened my faith. As a matter of fact, my grief has strengthened it! If I hadn’t been broken and in pain for so long, I wouldn’t have noticed the shift as deeply. I wouldn’t know what it feels like to be healed. Yes, scarred, but healed with a new strength to face a new day. I needed ten months, and just because the joy is returning, I know that not everything will be fine and dandy everyday—some days will hurt so bad I’ll just want to go Home. However, these past ten months I needed to miss you deeply, for the love I have for you runs deep through my heart. I needed to hurt for the special times our family (and me particularly here) have to now go through without you. I needed to be so broken that God could be the only explanation for the joy I now have.
And yes I have it, Mommy! Want to know how I know? I wrote a song! It’s a song to my Savior, my greatest Love! It is a true reflection of my heart, and while it may not be super eloquent or have powerful chords, it’s my heart’s cry of praise to Jesus and I love singing this melody! Are the angels singing it in Heaven? Maybe you can hear it? Someday I’ll record it to share with you, but first I need to work out the kinks. Until then, I love you, Mom.

Your daughter,
Hannah