Life Without Mother

Dear Mom,

I’ve been so happy the past few weeks. It’s like I’m due for another wave of sadness anytime now. I had a bit of a ripple tonight, but not a drowning wave. The days here in Ruston have given me plenty of distractions and new relationships in which to invest my time and energy. Everyday spent here just solidifies God’s orchestration of my life even to the most minute detail. From the day I decided that you and I go ahead and visit this school on our way to visit Ole Miss, to today as I prepare my schedule for my last quarter of Freshman year. From my roommate situation working out, to my orientation and meeting a good new friend who could connect me in church, to trying out that church and loving it, to my BCM Journey group, to my sorority, to the daily pleasures of walking around this beautiful campus, encountering friends and classmates along the paths with whom I share smiles and greetings. All of it is exactly what I needed for this first year without you as well as away from home.
Like I said before, the past few weeks have been full of happiness and fun times with friends. I think I’m beginning to heal inside. It’s kind of weird and scary—I’ve had that burning ache inside for so long! What is it like to feel joy from the inside, not just happiness? What does it feel like to miss you and not hurt as much? I know you would want me to heal and not miss you so much and move on with my life completely, but it is so hard. Do I love you more now that you’re gone than I did when you were here? Did you know how much I loved you? How much I looked up to you? How much I truly did want to be you when I grew up? You were loved by everyone who met you. My friends loved you. Strangers loved you. You loved everyone. I can only pray that my legacy will leave such an impact as yours has left on those still here, especially me. You were like Christ to all—the salt and light that we are called to be.
You used to call everyone “Love”. Honestly, I used to be jealous—I was jealous of your loving endearment towards others. How could you love them as much as me? Of course, later I just accepted it. But now I realize it was because you wanted to make sure they knew where they stood in your heart and God’s: they are loved. And you get to experience the fullness of that love at this very moment! Of that I truly am jealous! (But I can wait.) Mommy, I miss you so.

Your daughter,
Hannah

(P.S. I went to my first official party this past Saturday night! It was super fun! Wish I could have called you about it… Wish I could call you about a lot of things…)