Life Without Mother

Dear Mom,

This time leaving was hard. It feels as though there is unfinished business. And not just with decorating for Christmas—though I do wish I could have stayed and finished. I told the girls not to decorate much more until I got back (I’ve kind of taken it as my personal responsibility—joyfully of course for you know how much I do love everything Christmas). Hope even told me she “can’t wait for [me] to be a mother” and decorate my own house, hah! Your focus was on your nativities, but I’m for garland, lights, nativities, real trees, the whole nine yards.
No, while that was fun and hard to leave behind, there is a further sense of tension holding me there. Perhaps the whole holiday season of Thanksgiving and the lead up to Christmas has me in the sentimental mood and I just want to be with family. This is the first Christmas season I won’t get to see the Christmas tree and decorations every day after school or whenever I’m at home throughout the day. And without your candles and baking (though that wasn’t as often). Okay, I’ll say it, and without you. Part of decorating this weekend was fixing things the way you’ve always had them, yet also putting my own touch on things (mainly because I couldn’t remember where they went before).
Maybe that was the unfinished business. We were finally making things our own without you here to tell us what to do. Doing things our own way with enough differences to keep tradition while leaving the new fingerprint of a new normal. It was just us four—Dad, Hope, Mary Faith and I—dancing and singing along with Christmas carols, opening the numerous boxes down from the attic. The one thing I personally couldn’t bring myself to do was set out your Christmas china. But after a breakfast with one of your best friends during which she mentioned your love and pride for that china, I instructed the girls to very carefully set it out if they have time in the next two weeks before I go back for Mary Faith’s birthday.
But back to unfinished business. We were becoming that family again. Nothing like the holidays to bring people together. Especially Hope and I, and even Mary Faith was a little closer after the last three days. Hope had to leave for practice before I finally got out the door (due to my late decorating) and I could tell when she hugged me that she wished she didn’t have to go—or really that I didn’t have to go.
There is much on my heart and mind this week. I’m praying and do know that God will me clarity and peace through the turmoil. I just don’t positively know the answer He will give. Either will take much courage. But I know that He is in control, and as always, He is good.

Your daughter,
Hannah