Life Without Mother

Dear Mom,

Alright. The first weekend of my break is over. And I made it…barely.
Mrs. Rhonda and Jeremy came over and that was fun but I kind of got in a funk just Friday night. Like seriously, could it have come at a better time? (Note: sarcasm) I wanted for this weekend to be fun and certainly not filled with me being a bump on a log. So maybe it wasn’t all bad—but I was not myself. Well, not my usual happy, energetic self.
I knew this was going to happen. I knew it! And yet, I could not prevent the inevitable. We went bowling Saturday night which was fun—Hope doing anything involving loose rules is always fun (somehow she always ends up on the floor with a Strike…) even when she wins by a landslide (again, with no plausible reason, considering she would basically just drop the ball on the lane).
After we got back we had cake (for Jeremy’s birthday) and played some Apples to Apples. Around half past nine we stopped and I decided to go on a walk. Jeremy joined me and we walked around the neighborhood for a good hour or so. We just walked and talked. It was nice. Reminded me of when you and I had started walking in the mornings this past March. You know, before you went to Germany and I went on our choir spring trip just missing each other as you got back the day after I left. What would it have been like if I hadn’t gone?
Of course, I would have never considered staying behind from my last choir trip and fun with my choir family, but what if something had happened to where I got to stay home? The evening I got home was the evening you got back from your surgery. So we never got to resume our morning walk and talks together. I had really been looking forward to those when you went to Germany. Knowing you’d be waiting on me downstairs was what spurred me out of bed in the morning so that I didn’t keep you waiting. I told you I’d keep doing it after you left for Germany, but obviously that plan fell through. We only walked for three days before you left. I feel there are so many conversations I missed out on. I know, God had planned for those to be the only three, and there are no what ifs because your death was not in anyone’s control but God’s, but life’s possibilities are just too vast (and my imagination too active) not to ponder sometimes.
Anyway, Jeremy and I walked and talked and then after we got home talked another hour and a half. I showed him your letter to me. And some old journal entries of mine involving him that we laughed over because, wow, I was such a weirdo back in the seventh grade (but to be fair, so was he). And I took another walk tonight, this time alone because they left this morning and everyone else were relaxing in their rooms. I walked an hour and a half this time, listening to music, looking at the early Christmas lights that were up already. It’s amazing what walking does. I had missed it Saturday after just sitting around and driving the previous three days. Even just walking across LA Tech’s Quad is that daily refresher I needed and here I have no reason to be outside. So I made one and now I think I’m addicted to walking. I’m already planning when I’m going to walk tomorrow…
I also have a busy schedule tomorrow. The next week will be pretty busy, getting all of my visiting in before I go back to school next Tuesday. However, despite my busy schedule, I will make sure I write at least one or two letters to update you.

Your daughter,
Hannah