Life Without Mother

Dear Mom,

Yeah, I meant to write two days ago…
I have no real excuse. Anyway, I finished up school Wednesday morning with my last French exam (for this quarter at least—still have one last quarter to go). I then met up with a cousin in Shreveport for lunch and we talked for a good hour and a half which was really nice and needed. Then the rest of the drive was pretty uneventful except for my bottom aching, needing to go to the bathroom really bad in the last hour of it, missing an exit (almost went to Fort Worth instead of veering to Dallas), and of course the horrendous Dallas traffic. But I made it, to the restroom in time as well, and have spent a day and a half back home.
Today I had the opportunity to share my testimony for a short video for the youth at church. It was supposed to cover who God has been to me in times of struggle. Of course, I had to figure out which specific struggle I wanted to share and decided on the obvious: not having you here. We did it in one take but looking back there are things I feel like I should have said or should have explained or elaborated on. Oh well, we’ll see how it goes Sunday.
So Hope and I have become much closer, as have Hope and Mary Faith, I’ve learned. I’m really glad they’ve bonded together during this time—they both need it. Mary Faith has also been affected by my writing. Another way the Lord has used my writing for His glory. I’m glad that she can feel something from reading what I’ve written, because I have been praying for her and just haven’t been able to figure out how to talk to her or figure out what to say.
The Lord has blessed me with this gift that I love sharing with people. Even just utilizing it myself brings joy to my heart even in the pit of my despair. But it is hard to write sometimes. To feel inspired to write. You were always my biggest supporter of my writing and my singing. And despite knowing that I still must use them to the best of my ability, the motivation is lacking without the eagerness to show you. Actually, I wrote my final paper for my English class, and it’s a paper I would have loved to have you read. But you can’t. And those little losses—well—they suck.
I missed you a lot today. I felt so bored. I couldn’t call you on the way home from the church to see if you wanted to get lunch with me or meet up with you at the paint shop. Although, I did talk to Grannette for a solid two hours, which was wonderful. And we missed you together. And talked about you almost the whole time (when it wasn’t you, it was Jesus—sometimes it was both).
You’re in my thoughts literally every moment of everyday. It takes effort to push you away from my mind, but no conscious effort of pushing you out means you linger along every thought. It hurts coming home because it’s that much harder to push the memories away. Sometimes I just want to sit in your closet and cry all day. But then I think I have to be productive and skedaddle out of there as fast as I can.
The one thing that keeps me going every moment of every day is my new motto: God is good. Because He is good, He is faithful. Because He is good, He will comfort me. Because He is good, despite all of the emotional and physical hurting I experience, I know that 1) it is perfectly okay to feel pain, and 2) He will hold me through it all.
God is good!

Your daughter,
Hannah