Life Without Mother

Dear Mom,

Last night was rough. Pretty much everything painful in my life hit me at once. Talk about a punch. But it brought me to my knees before God in a way that I haven’t experienced before. I cried for a solid hour and a half (personal record) and about forty-five minutes of that was spent crying out to God. I prayed the prayer my college minister spoke of during the Wednesday night service, this scream of praise to God, “Help me God!” The absolute praise of acknowledgment that He is the only one who can help me and bring me up from the pit of hell that I’m in. And last night I was in a pit. Deeper than I’ve been probably ever.
Pain from my mistakes, from not having you around, from not being able to move on, from not truly being there for our family, especially from separating myself from God and just wanting to be done with this world so I could be with Him and you. I realized I had been trying to do things myself, particularly in the past two weeks. Even just with going to church and making friends and doing my Bible study, it had become just something I had to do to keep going, but not to dig deeper and truly rely on God. I’d worn myself out, trying to do things in my own power. Honestly, it scared me last night. All of the ache in my heart, my entire body shaking with my sobs, sobs that barely produced tears.
But finally I called out to God and He heard me. He listened to my hushed screams and cries for forgiveness and help and peace. The peace came with the sobs. Tears and halted breaths letting go of the pain inside and leaving behind a calm, a joy even that God was holding me still. He’s always there even when I don’t feel Him.
Then I called my best friend and sister in more ways than just in-Christ, one of God’s greatest gifts to me. We talked (really, we cried) together for another hour or so. She may not be you, but God has blessed our friendship so that I’d still have someone to call now that you’re not here.
God is so good. He is faithful even when I am not and loves and forgives me even when I push Him away and provides for me in my darkest moments.
Psalms 139:7-12

Your daughter,
Hannah

(P.S. So awesome!! In looking up Psalm 139 to get the specific verses, I opened my Bible right to Psalm 139 first try! Coincidence? I think not!)