Life Without Mother

Dear Mom,

The past couple of days have been bleh. I don’t know why. They have been days filled with easy classwork and Bible studies and free time. But maybe I do… I felt kind of lonely—which is insane considering I was surrounded by people and friends almost the entire last 48 hours. And almost all of that time was spent in fellowship glorifying God. How could I feel alone?
I think my energy is depleting and I need rest. So many have told me that I’m so outgoing and extroverted and talk to anybody. That’s only partially true. I do talk to pretty much anybody, but social settings are probably the only source of stress in my life. The amount of energy I expend just trying to figure out how to talk to someone without just jumping into deep subjects or falling into awkward silences for lack of conversational topics exceeds the amount of energy I regain from a night’s sleep. And I think after the past few weeks of being “extroverted” have worn me out. But I can’t stop yet. I still have Wednesday night service tomorrow night with the five to ten minute opportunity for talking to people in a crowded room. Sometimes I just want to go sit in a corner and watch. But I would be seen as A) kind of creepy, or B) a pitiful loner, when all I want is to just be silent and attempt to re-energize.
There are so many words and thoughts burning in my chest, wanting to be expressed. So many emotions boiling inside, ready to be loosed in a scream. Yet when I am alone those feelings dissipate. I just want to break down and cry. But that would require tears—a commodity that I just can’t allow. Not because I have make-up to ruin, but because my body has an aversion to letting myself feel things and let things go.
I obviously don’t want to go to class tomorrow (especially since my 8:00 is French) but I have to since I can’t just skip a class like I did in high school. Professors are a bit less understanding and a bunch less lenient. (Probably the only thing I miss about high school.) And there’s that whole mess about me keeping a certain GPA in order to keep my scholarship therefore enabling the completion of college. But just because I have to go doesn’t mean I have to like it—although God also calls me to “do everything without grumbling”*—oops, I’m sorry God. Yay, French. But for real, I’ll try not to fall asleep in class.

Your daughter,
Hannah.

*Philippians 2:14