Life Without Mother

Dear Mom,

I’m super excited! About what you ask? Well, first off I only have 37 chapters of the Bible (I just finished the book of James tonight) left before I accomplish my goal from last February to read straight through the entire Bible within a year. Obviously I failed in the latter section of my goal but I did not give up and am mere hours from finishing! It’s been amazing to just read it all. I didn’t do a specific study alongside my reading, yet merely reading His holy Word presented new revelations as to who God is and the truth that the entire Bible from cover to cover is His demonstration of love for us, the literal “tale as old as time” of Jesus. The past two afternoons (because that’s how late I slept in today–hey, it’s still summer) I’ve really been digging into the Scriptures, not just reading to finish my goal, rather I can’t stop, don’t want to stop. This same hunger was with me last year when I was on track with my reading, and especially through the Psalms (who can’t just read that beautiful poetry of praise and sorrow?), but has eluded me for a while. I’ll be honest: I have not read my Bible for myself in a while. Of course I have been fed it in church and on the mission trip, but quiet time? Nope. Not a part of my daily schedule. Another area of my life I need to fix up. But I have made it important the past few days. And it’s rocked my world. Amazing how when I read His words of love for me that I start to feel better…
Second thing I’m excited about: I leave for my final trip (my sixth trip) of the summer tomorrow! I don’t think if you were here I would have been gone as often. Well, if you were here I definitely wouldn’t have gone on the New York trip (and I might not have had my computer stolen–but God has His purposes there). And I might not have felt the need to get out and go.
The truth is, I hate being here. I can’t deal. As I told Dad, it’s not that certain things around the house remind me of you. Your presence is here but your person is not. But even as your presence is still here, I think it’s fading and that makes me want to almost be sick. I walked into (now) Dad’s room and your scent was fading. It’s stupid but where it had always been a blend of the two of you, 50-50, now it’s like his is overpowering what’s left of yours, 75-25, and by the time I get back from LATech for the first time it will be gone.
And so I just avoid your room as much as I can. I hate being in the kitchen too. And the school room (almost literally got sick today after opening one of the still unpacked moving boxes in there knowing that it’s something you never got a chance to take care of). Let’s see, where is somewhere in our house you never went? My bathroom! Nope. You went in there too and we’d continue our conversation through the door.
So I have been running from the house. I hate doing it to the girls and Dad (though Dad still has to travel for his job and is gone a lot himself). But I don’t want to be here. It’s a major reason I’m ecstatic for college as well. I still have three and a half weeks. Ugh.
And running sounds bad, but going this past week to see our old friends allowed me to unplug from the reality of my situation and responsibilities of my life and instead put my focus on others’ lives for a little while. Almost a mini new start in certain areas. Visiting these old playmates as a young adult rather than a child. Shifting from sharing memories to making memories.
But yeah, anyways, my final trip of the summer. A beach retreat! And I’ve already made a friend from orientation whom I’m staying with the night before we leave and the night we get back (because I also have to make the 4 hour drive there and back). Gee, talk about new start–about 150 new people to meet and introduce myself to. I hope through this I might also get plugged in further into the ministry and maybe far enough to be a part of the worship ministry.
There’s so much more I could write about. So many things I have to face in my future I didn’t anticipate for the past few years of brainstorming what the year after I graduate would be like. But it’s late so I love you!

Your daughter,
Hannah