Life Without Mother

Dear Mom,

I told myself I wouldn’t write until I got home but I couldn’t resist. I’ve been away since Tuesday afternoon and I wish I could stay another week. I went by myself and it has been an experience I sorely needed. Independence has been mine these past few days as I visit old (and very good) friends. The choice is mine whether to stay in one place or another with minimal curfew (though I’ve pretty much stayed at the houses the entire time) and practically no responsibility except for myself. The first time being truly out on my own has been encouraging. I can do it.
I can drive three hours straight. And then a few days later drive four and a half hours straight. I love my family, but I can live without them and still be okay and not need to call home crying with homesickness.
But maybe part of that last fact is because maybe I don’t want to go to that home. Maybe it’s just too uncomfortable when I start to think about it. Maybe I just want to start over, find a new way of life that isn’t so like the old and yet drastically different.
Despite how much hasn’t changed since you died, there is a stability missing. Which is ironic considering how crazy and seemingly unstable you were at times. But you were there and you were “Mom” and you pretty much accomplished that job perfectly. Yes, maybe I didn’t always want to do whatever task you asked me to complete, but at least I had something to keep me busy. And I don’t have that proactive attitude of yours that leads me to find something. No, I’d rather put things off. Now what I put them off for might be nothing, but it’s something.
Gosh, I don’t want to leave here. Being with our old friends is awesome. It’s brought distraction and memories and the usual fun that always came with our families hanging out together. Why do lives change so much? Why can’t God just let us grow up with the same people who know us and make us happy so much?
I guess He wants us to realize He is our constant and nothing else. He wants to push us out of our comfort zones to grow us closer to Him. But sometimes I just don’t want to! (Did you read that through the voice of me pouting and whining? ‘Cause that’s how I read it.)
I meant I don’t want to get pushed out of my comfort zone. I do want to grow. Yet we can’t really have one without the other. Irritating how true life works that way. Why can’t it just be an easy walk in the park?
Well, I’ll be going home in two days and have to keep moving forward in my walk with Christ and my relationships with Dad and Hope and Mary Faith before I leave for a much longer adventure called “College” for which I am so excited I could bust! Give Jesus a hug for me, would you?

Your daughter,
Hannah