Life Without Mother

Dear Mom,

Since I will be leaving in a mere 12 hours for the United Kingdom, I thought I’d write a short letter as I allow sleep to come back from pushing it away in order to finish packing (I know, I’ll be a procrastinator to the end). I’m not exactly sure how I feel about this trip anymore. After my last letter, I’m obviously not all put together at this current time. I’ve found that God and I are on speaking terms more for others rather than myself. I know He wants me to just fall broken at His feet so He can pick me up and piece me together for His plan, a new me that is even better than the old. But I’ve been feeling almost to my breaking point lately and all I want to do is just lock myself away for days to myself with Him. And what am I about to do? Put myself among other broken people (just people in general really) and try to share a faith that is hanging by a thread right now.
Alright. I’ve got to say it. I’m scared. No, that’s not the right word. I am–
Terrified.
What if I fall apart when in the middle of trying to share my testimony? What even is my testimony these days? A testimony that I am breaking right now and barely able to see the light at the end of the tunnel, or that I am barely on speaking terms with the God I praise in  the concerts we put on? Am I just a fake in those moments?
Yet even when we practice, I feel a little of my joy coming back. I guess it’s almost like the old advice to just “fake a smile until you feel like smiling” or something like that. My favorite part is when I get to sing my solo in Alone. It’s not my favorite because I’m the soloist of that moment or think I’m the center of attention or anything vain like that. No, it’s my favorite because as I sing the second verse and come to the pre-chorus, I get to practically scream, “And I can be a little punk sometimes!” That last word, “sometimes”, is sung by the artist higher than the time before, as a climax, and when I sing that–or rather, scream it–I feel better having let loose some of the held in noise that longs to escape.
Don’t worry, I will let it escape. I just haven’t had a real good day to myself to let loose everything. I hope to in the weeks after this trip. Until then, only prayers can get me through this. And I do pray that God will use me in amazing ways this week. This time when I have literally nothing left to give. I’m spent. So the only way I can move is through Him.
Maybe that is the scary part. Because when there’s no way I can be in control and it’s all up to the Creator of the universe crazy amazing things can happen. Unbelievable things. Powerful things. Things that will make me crave that powerless feeling only to feel His power again. That is what I want, Lord. I’m writing here what I couldn’t even think towards you last night in our worship time. I want you to break me. Make me completely and utterly dependent upon You and You alone. Use me as Your creation, Your daughter set apart for Your purposes.
That’s my prayer, Mom to the One whose face you get to see even now. Ugh! I’m so jealous! One day…

Your daughter,
Hannah