Life Without Mother

Dear Mom,

Today was probably the hardest yet. All because of a dream last night (or this morning– I never can tell..). You were in the dream. It was like I was living that alternate ending I caught a glimpse of through that testimony at church. You came back somehow and held me from behind with one arm wrapped around my chest, the other around my waist as we knelt on the floor. I felt secure in your embrace like you were here to stay. The dream was so vivid–like many of my dreams–and I could hear you telling me you were back, gently soothing my aching heart with your soft words in my ear. But then of course after tears, I asked why you were back–why would you leave Heaven and the presence of God–the reflection of the inner turmoil I’ve felt the past week. And you just held me closer and tighter as I tried to push you away so you could go back to Heaven.
Then I woke up.
That was hard, really hard. Because even though Dream-Me came to terms with the fact that you are much better off in Heaven than here with me, Reality-Me wanted to feel your strong, gentle arms around me again and hear your voice again–oh Mom, I fear I’m losing the memory of your voice already!
I remember the words, the jokes you’d make and encouragement you’d give. I know eventually I’ll have to let go and move on, but am I ready yet? Am I ready to let go of the voice that continued to sing “You are my Sunshine, my only Sunshine” on random mornings even when I reached my teen years and young adulthood. I thank God at least we have old videos with your beautiful voice recorded for whenever I need to hear it and remember. I just wish I didn’t have to be reminded quite yet.
Today I really feel I understand where David and Job were coming from when they asked God “why” but never could curse God. I can’t deny Him or say He isn’t good or that His plans are not what’s best for me, but I do know that it’s equally ok in the middle of praise and worship to ask the whys, because I know He listens and understands my pain, and He will answer. The answer might just be a little longer in coming that the moment I ask. I’m asking God tonight to give you a big hug for me and let you know I’m still sticking with Him!

Your daughter,
Hannah