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Life Without Mother

"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds." Psalm 147:3

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Anger

Dear Mom,

Tonight I have a confession to make. I did something that I thought I’d never do. Something that people would say is totally fine and perhaps natural in my situation — something even King David did! I got angry tonight, angry at God. And it made me feel even worse. I know He understands my pain in missing you and wanting you to be here to be the physical comforter I’ve had for the last 18 years of my life. I know He has such big plans for our family’s story to impact so many and for our own relationships with Him to grow in this. I know that I would never wish you to be back here on earth in this mess of a sinful world.

But gosh, I got really jealous tonight of another woman’s testimony. At a worship service at our church, she shared how her husband had suddenly had a heart attack and was in a coma for a month. She prayed that God would move, whether to heal her husband on earth or in Heaven that they may share their story, whichever version it may be. God had him stay on earth.

It made me finally ask the question: why couldn’t we have had that story?? Why couldn’t our family worship God through a story of healing on earth so my selfish need of you here could be satisfied? Why couldn’t it have been a happy ending? Seeing an alternate outcome to sudden tragedy, made me jealous, I hate to say. I was really jealous of that faithful woman who got to keep her husband here.  That jealousy turned to anger at God. And that anger turned to desperate tears as the testimony video led to more worship — the first tears I’ve ever shed while singing praises at church.

God is so good to love me. So good to carry me. He knows when I hurt. And He is always there to comfort me and lift me up. Now my question is: how can it be? (Just like the lyrics of Lauren Daigle’s song “How Can it Be?”)

Thank you, Mom, for introducing me to Jesus here on earth. I look forward to you introducing me in person someday!

Your daughter,
Hannah

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One response to “Anger”

  1. kromans5v8 Avatar
    kromans5v8

    Please forgive yourself as your Savior has already done… For me the anger in dealing with grief is the second hardest area to deal with besides the heart rending, anguish when we recognize that we can no longer physically interact with that precious person we love so much. Why is it hard – because when we are angry at God, or even the one we have lost, we find ourselves very alone. God didn’t move, but we did! We’ve stepped away from the only One who can give us comfort. He can handle it, but can we?? In the short term, yes. And we justify our anger to ourselves (and Satan helps us). I do believe it is a stop on the grief train that we must pass through. Everyone does… Your mom did – and struggled and was in agony that she could feel such white hot anger at the very One who held her life in His hands. She hated herself for feeling it and even worse for giving it voice! But she needed to talk it out. It was no surprise to God! He knew it was coming! Just as your mom’s sudden and tragic ( for us) home going was no surprise to Him. I’m so proud of you for sharing your anger and even jealousy- it means you are making progress! I know that sounds crazy – but you are in a healthy and wonderful place on this journey. Just try not to hang out here very long, because you are in a weakened condition in this place. And you may feel very alone – but you are not. God is still right there waiting on you to resolve your anger so that He can help you, carry you to the next step. I know you know all this in your head. But I just wanted to remind you – and remind you of how loved you are! I know that your mom is jumping up and down in Heaven – rejoicing over you and what an amazing young woman you are! Don’t be surprised if you find the need on some days to revisit these feelings and questions – it isn’t usually a one visit step – but you will find that you are able to spend less time here each time. Will you find answers to these questions on Earth- I don’t know. But you can find peace with them – that only He can give you. When? I don’t know that either. When will your pain be less ? Again, I don’t know that either… But I know the One who does and I am forced to trust Him to bring you through it. It’s ok to have a bad day. It’s ok to not be the perfect example of the Christian girl who tragically lost her mom at a young age. That won’t come as a surprise to Him either and He can deal with it – after all He is God! He can help anyone who He allows to share your bad day… You won’t cause them to stumble or cause them pain – Christian or non- Christian, He will handle it! I promise! Hope you don’t think I’m preaching. I’ve just traveled here before. And if I can help reduce your pain at any point I want to do that. I can’t walk through it for you – or trust me I would. But I just would not want to have to answer to your mom one day in Heaven when she says ” why didn’t you comfort Hannah about that – or tell her it’s ok – like you told me?? Why didn’t you tell her how much better she was already doing than I did?? Why?? I can’t tell you for sure why your parents moved next door to us 2 weeks after Annette died… But maybe for such a time as this… Love you sweet girl!

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