Life Without Mother

Dear Mom,

I had my auditions today! Totally bombed the dance (except maybe the second round though… that might have been somewhat acceptable…) but NAILED the singing!! I did everything my voice coach said, thinking throughout the entire audition — all but one part that I had a small lapse and made a mistake but recovered nicely if I do say so myself, and I do. They said it was my “best audition yet” and I know it was because of how hard I worked and the focus God helped me have. Especially after the rough day.

Yeah, today was another bad one for the most part — and it didn’t help that I started off with an AP Gov test. Yuck! The multiple choice got me and I have to be honest, I probably guessed on about half of them, so at break time I was pretty positive of maybe a 2 as my score. But then came the FRQs. Those beloved FRQs. They were pretty easy and I answered every part of them, the only doubt I have is whether I answered them to the degree I was supposed to… Ah well, I guess I’ll just have to wait and see. At least I got a good hour long nap out of it! And then I kind had to take initiative and start up English because we had a sub and there was slight confusion as to what we were to do. We were reading a play so I got up and helped assign parts and got us reading — after that it was free for all but at least we accomplished one of the tasks right?

But yeah, that was my day. Full of activity yet on the whole one of the worser feeling days. It’s like there’s an emptiness of just knowing you’re not around. It’s not quite where I wake up and think “my mom’s dead” but it’s like I just know and that knowing carries on throughout the day: in the morning, at school, at church, at home in my bed. Even though certain places I am (like at school and my room) you weren’t always with me, there’s still that knowing and it makes me feel tired.

But if Jesus were here and asked me if I wanted you back like He raised Lazarus, I would say “no” in a heartbeat because I don’t want you to come back to this messed up world when you get to be in the presence of our Heavenly Father you always pointed (and still point) me to. There are just going to be those moments I guess when I miss you so much for the simple little things like just knowing you’d be at home ready to listen or give me a hug. Love you and miss you!

Your daughter,
Hannah